Excessive glitter and fart spray.

Porch pirates are a giant problem in our neighborhood. The local neighborhood FB group includes half a dozen Ring camera porch-pilchery vids daily, and residents are feeling bitter and vengeful. My fam has become the Porch Pirate Police for the family across the street, as we have a direct view of their front porch from one of our front windows. We’re not always home or looking out our window though, and two or three of their stuffs have been grabbed by jerkfaces. My fam has been lucky so far, as there is usually someone home when a package shows up, and the cats often alert us when anyone is outside (especially birds, but who doesn’t like a good bird?). Filthy-butt-gobblin-package-thieves haven’t had the opportunity to make us feel ferocious feelings. I’ve no doubt they’ll eventually try. I hope to be ready when they do, mostly by playing offense instead of defense.

You’ve seen that meme, right? The one about getting rid of your junk? Because I’m immature and also bent on pre-revenge (that’s a word), I fully plan on loading up a couple of packages with gifts from my cats and maybe some bathroom trash. Get ’em before they get me so they’ll know what to expect from my porch. Will I really? I don’t know. If I do, I’ll post it.

porchpirateamazon

This guy… THIS GUY! He wins the porch pirate battle AND the internet! I laughed so hard there was no sound coming out except random gasps and pig snorts!

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