My brother butt dialed me today. I picked up the phone, “Hello?” There was no reply. “Helloooo? Bro? You there?” No reply. “Hellooooooooo? Did you butt-dial me??” Like he was going to answer that question. “HELLO??? Brother?? YOU THERE?? I hear weird sounds! I hope it’s a butt-dial…” I hung up. “Vin! My brother just butt-dialed …
Category: Tales from the Dork Side
Tales from the Dork Side: Calamity Jane Pissed on Me
Calamity Jane is angry at me for some reason and, in turn, I’m angry at that dumb little cat. I woke up on the couch this morning, startled by both the morning noise in the kitchen and by Calamity Jane having a one-cat stampede around the living room. It’s the same stampede, I assume, continued …
Tales from the Dork Side: Reincarnation
Vin and I took the kids to Irvine Park to wear them out after a long day of general buttholishness, hoping lots of exercise would make them tolerable. Before you think I’m an a-hole for saying my kids are buttholish? You’ve been there. Butt out. But that’s not what this is about, so stay with …
Tales from the Dork Side: Terrible Brothers and Severed Heads. And Dummies.
I just discovered BlogHer. I’m a little late to the party, as a contest kicked off on November 1st to coincide with NaNoWriMo. It’s called NaBloPoMo. A blog post a day. With a prize of admission to the BlogHer Conference ’16 in Los Angeles. What a coinkidink! I’m a native Angelino! Um? Not sure I …
Tales from the Dork Side: Licking Things and Cooking Lessons
I’m trying hard to break my habit of licking things. I’m referring less to random objects and more to things found in my kitchen, like lips of jars, stuff dripping down sides of bottles, and silverware. I was keenly unaware that I have this nasty habit until I witnessed Gadget doing it one day. I …
Tales from the Dork Side: Halloween, Part 2, the Vapors
Something had gone horribly wrong on this day before Halloween: Adding baby lima beans to the spaghetti sauce the previous night to pump up the vitamins. Huge mistake. What really got pumped up? My ass, with gas that could kill small children and most forms of plant life. And I had to go out, because I needed …
Tales from the Dork Side: Halloween, Part 1, The Anti-clown
We love Halloween around here. We’ll have a special thing for Trick-or-treaters this year: French fries. Yep, we’re going to dump a bunch of fries into a bucket and drop handfuls into their candy sacks. If the fries get cold we’ll just pop them into the microwave before the next trick-or-treater comes along. And before …
Tales from the Dork Side: Spatchcocking My Turkey
I told Vin I want to spatchcock the turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Judging from the look of disgust on his face, I’m not sure he understands exactly what it is I wish to do with the turkey. Vin: You want to WHAT the turkey? Are you crazy? Me: I’m thinking you don’t understand, because …
Tales from the Dork Side: Father’s Day of Terror
I always wake up drooling like a stoned dipshit. It may look adorable in the morning, that cute little puddle of spit saturating the pillow under my cheek, but I’d hate to see how I look while producing that puddle. I probably look dead. Eyes rolled back, mouth ajar and cocked to the side. I’m …
