Avoiding Cannibalism With Chili

The big child is bottomless. Sometimes we just unhinge his jaw – like a snake –  and throw food in. Sometimes – like a snake – he swallows it whole. This is the way of the teenager.

Last night he begged for soup. I had nothing to make soup with, at least on short notice. Frozen chicken would have taken too long to cook, and I only say this because a meal that would have taken more than twenty minutes to cook could have resulted in cannabalism. This wouldn’t do. It had to be fast. So I asked him if chili was soup-like enough, and thankfully he said yes and spared my life.

I normally don’t cook from cans, but I’ve been lazy (or busy) lately. My kitchen pantry is currently stocked with canned beans, and this makes me happy right now. I also had the ingredients on hand without having to jump my butt in the car to go buy stuff. I started throwing stuff in a big pot, and hoped that it would turn out similarly to the scrumptious chili they serve at Firehouse Subs (and for the mention, I think I deserve a free chili next time I visit).

I browned a pound of organic ground beef (the organic part really doesn’t matter because it wasn’t grass-fed, which means my dumb ass got ripped off at the store… the trickery!). I chopped an onion and four or five cloves of old-ass (it needed to be used) garlic, and tossed that in with a box of chicken stock.

Then I realized I didn’t have any chili powder. Shit.

Google is my friend. I found this recipe for Homemade Chili Powder, and by golly, it’s WAY better than the crap you buy at the store!

  • 1⁄4cup  sweet paprika
  • 1 tablespoon  garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon  cayenne pepper
  • 1 tablespoon  onion powder
  • 1 tablespoon  dried oregano
  • 2 teaspoons  ground cumin

Place all of this in an empty spice bottle (you know you save them) and shake it all up.

I think I used about a third of the bottle. You can use however much you want. Just taste your chili as you go along. Anyway, put that in. Also, add as much pepper as you like, and don’t sneeze in the chili like I did (no, I didn’t). I used about 1/2 teaspoon.

I wanted to use half of a large tomato, and got Vin to chop that for me because the teenager was foaming at the mouth and I needed to hurry. Vin chopped too much because he’s aggressive that way, so I just threw in the entire tomato.

I also suckered him into rinsing the beans; two cans of pinto, two cans of black. Dumped those in and let the whole thing simmer until the tomatoes were soft and our stomachs were growling from the aroma and we were about ready to resort to cannibalism, but THE CHILI SAVED US.

The teenager was the first one in. He filled a giant bowl and buried it in shredded cheddar, unhinged his jaw and poured it in. And then he had another bowl. And Vin had a bowl. And by the time I got to the stove to get some for myself? There were like TWO beans left. I devoured the remains. With cheese. And Firehouse can bite me (unless I get free chili)! I’m good.


  1. Allen says:

    I’m making your chili right now. And I made the chili powder too. I used a whole box of beef broth, but it’s too much liquid, so I’ll use half next time. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

  2. Allen says:

    I made roasted veggies a couple weeks ago, and had a shock when I went to eat them. I make them with paprika and minced onion. They were so hot and spicy, I figured I must have grabbed for the cayenne instead of the paprika. Well…. while making your chili powder, I realized I had re-filled my paprika bottle with cayenne. DUH!

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