CHAPTER ONE Tonight I found out where the bad guests go: the ones who try to smack us around, swear long streams of colorful obscenities at us, and generally treat loyal service workers with disrespect. They’re eaten. And all this time we’d been complaining about security never backing us up out there. How were we …
I’ve decided tell you a story.
Last year I got a pretty great start on *NaNoWriMo before I burned out, like I do every year. I start out each year thinking, “1,600 words per day… yeah, I can do that easy-peasy!”, and I write about 800 words per day for the first three days and think, “I’ll catch up. I’ll have a …
Tales from the Dork Side: Halloween, Part 2, the Vapors
Something had gone horribly wrong on this day before Halloween: Adding baby lima beans to the spaghetti sauce the previous night to pump up the vitamins. Huge mistake. What really got pumped up? My ass, with gas that could kill small children and most forms of plant life. And I had to go out, because I needed …
Tales from the Dork Side: Halloween, Part 1, The Anti-clown
We love Halloween around here. We’ll have a special thing for Trick-or-treaters this year: French fries. Yep, we’re going to dump a bunch of fries into a bucket and drop handfuls into their candy sacks. If the fries get cold we’ll just pop them into the microwave before the next trick-or-treater comes along. And before …
Tales from the Dork Side: Spatchcocking My Turkey
I told Vin I want to spatchcock the turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Judging from the look of disgust on his face, I’m not sure he understands exactly what it is I wish to do with the turkey. Vin: You want to WHAT the turkey? Are you crazy? Me: I’m thinking you don’t understand, because …
Tales from the Dork Side: Father’s Day of Terror
I always wake up drooling like a stoned dipshit. It may look adorable in the morning, that cute little puddle of spit saturating the pillow under my cheek, but I’d hate to see how I look while producing that puddle. I probably look dead. Eyes rolled back, mouth ajar and cocked to the side. I’m …
Putz Houses
Ever since I discovered the mid-century putz houses – or glitter houses – on Retro Renovation, I’ve been slightly obsessed with the sparkly little things. I made several from Kate’s website (and you should too, because it’s incredibly satisfying)… … and then I decided to try making my own patterns! It was really difficult at …
The why of the cardboard kitty
Rena and I were driving home from a pub one night, through a nice neighborhood that wasn’t very well lit. She was sober (and driving), while I was tipsy, but still aware of the world around me, sort of. She reached down to change the CD (or was it a cassette? It was that long …
Avoiding Cannibalism With Chili
The big child is bottomless. Sometimes we just unhinge his jaw – like a snake – and throw food in. Sometimes – like a snake – he swallows it whole. This is the way of the teenager. Last night he begged for soup. I had nothing to make soup with, at least on short notice. …
